NaNoWriMo ended without me writing another single word on any other day than day 2. The “rodeo virgin” didn’t lose … anything. I, on the other hand, lost six pounds. And started yoga classes. Finally! Which proves that structured procrastination is my life’s agenda while this and that are a girl’s best friend. And my one and only published short story will probably remain just that. Doesn’t matter right now: Am too much in love with my rebuilding stomach muscles and will still claim to be a writer. Nobody dares to doubt you if you wear black, smoke a lot and look blasé. Have to work on the latter though and my girlfriend doesn’t like the second.
Speaking of girlfriends, I developed something strange during the last weeks. It’s warm, fuzzy, exciting, unknown – and making me rather nervous. I didn’t know what it was until yesterday, when I came across this witty article by Cathryn Michon and this insightful blog post by Kera: It’s called a girl crush!
The only problem: I’m as gay as a tennis player. And the term “girl crush” describes a straight phenomenon, a “strong infatuation that one woman has for another woman who seems beautiful, sophisticated, charming or accomplished.” The key element of this kind of crush? Though it is about appearance and attraction, it also is non-sexual in nature.
And that’s what makes the difference between straight and gay girls: Obviously gay girls crush on girls all the time, that’s why we’re gay, after all. But if there’s a woman as aforementioned around us and we have strong feelings for her, they are usually not just pulsating in our hearts, so to speak.
But that’s not what happened to me this time. It started harmless enough: Me – doing a part-time job for a couple of weeks as sickness cover to have the time for hilarious job interviews, creating Miis and procrastinating on my PhD thesis. She – my temporary boss, twice my age, but with a body like this under clothes that have class. And with glasses she makes look sexy. In a position usually held by men. Being outspoken, straight-forward and of integrity. Interested in me, listening to me and valuing my opinion. Me – very impressed, but in a neutral way. Seeing her as a kind of role model. And then, during my last two weeks of work, something changed, and I still don’t really know when and why exactly. I got rather smitten by her all of a sudden. Which resulted in me being nervous around her all of a sudden. Which resulted in me painting my nose accidentally with the felt-tip pen I used for corrections. Which resulted in her telling me that such things usually happen to her. Which was an awfully nice thing to say and not true at all. This woman doesn’t paint herself. Accidentally. She can pull of red lipstick very well though.
See? It was a lot like falling in love. But without the sexual fantasies. I choked that up to me suddenly being puritan in thoughts (while actually being catholic though probably not exactly as the Pope wants me to be) and went wonderfully psychological on me. I saw me with a newly developed Mrs. Robinson complex I would have a hard time explaining to my girlfriend. As a start of my self therapy I googled “gay” and “older woman”, got some disturbing porn results – and the relieving answer to my feelings: I’m no Benjamin and no puritan – it’s the famous girl crush! Even though this girl is a very much grown-up woman. I’ve got all the symptons.
What can I say? I’m still puzzled by my own feelings. I’m a gay girl with a girl crush. And the funny thing? I think it’s not one-sided. (It truly is like falling in love. One is blinded by the lights and imagining things.)
I got a very uncommon half-hug and kiss on the cheek on my last day at work, though, and while it was just my heart pulsating and nothing else (thank goodness!), I rather enjoyed my heart beating like that. For a wonderful woman. Which I hope she knows that she is. Because I probably won’t tell her.
