And this song of them, along with being home for Christmas and meeting many old friends, got me thinking and sentimental. I discovered that I’m truly blessed with my friends: They gave me mix-tapes and hugs when I needed them, called me when I should have called them, and thought of me better than I deserved sometimes. We made it through jealousy, envy and competitiveness, through weeks of silence and drunken down laughter. I really should cherish them more.

But (there’s always a but, isn’t it) I discovered, too, that I still lack one type of friend. I mean, it’s common knowledge that every girl needs a gay best friend! And mine should be of the female variety (the other one I have and love): The one who’s not interested in McDreamy but the dream that is Izzy Stevens. The one I am not in love with and who’s not in love with me. But, and that’s the important but: The one that understands my kind of love.

I’m a bit lost here, because I never consciously looked for a friendship. I always felt that they just kind of happened. Some were growing fast, some took their time, but they always developed because s/he and I clicked, because we “recognized” each other in a way. I probably see at least a little bit of me in every one of my friends and vice versa and this sense of “another self” holds us together, but it’s the differences that “spice up” the friendship and help us complement each other. Every serious friendship I have follows its own rules and I can’t really see a pattern evolving. Some are challenging bordering on exhausting, some are comforting and soothing, some are fresh, some are long-lived, some are exciting, some are delightfully boring. With some friends it’s quite obvious why we feel drawn to each other (same humour, same guilty pleasures, same past, same vague values), but with others I don’t seem to have that much in common on first glance, but there’s this deep mutual fondness.

Where can I get such a wonderful relationship with a gay girl? On Ebay? In my local bookstore? Through bar-hopping? Waving a rainbow-flag at every arriving ship at the port? Either way, I will start looking.

The most convenient thing, of course: One of my straight friends  suddenly has a coming out! Very unlikely that that will happen again (yes, there was one, but she was of the girlfriend material and that’s what she is now, so she can’t be the best gay friend, as well) but I will start giving “The L word” dvds as birthday presents. (Not season three obviously.) Who else than Tibette could help me change their minds?

Speaking of girlfriends, I developed something strange during the last weeks. It’s warm, fuzzy, exciting, unknown – and making me rather nervous. I didn’t know what it was until yesterday, when I came across this witty article by Cathryn Michon and this insightful blog post by Kera: It’s called a girl crush!

The only problem: I’m as gay as a tennis player. And the term “girl crush” describes a straight phenomenon, a “strong infatuation that one woman has for another woman who seems beautiful, sophisticated, charming or accomplished.” The key element of this kind of crush? Though it is about appearance and attraction, it also is non-sexual in nature.

And that’s what makes the difference between straight and gay girls: Obviously gay girls crush on girls all the time, that’s why we’re gay, after all. But if there’s a woman as aforementioned around us and we have strong feelings for her, they are usually not just pulsating in our hearts, so to speak.

But that’s not what happened to me this time. It started harmless enough: Me – doing a part-time job for a couple of weeks as sickness cover to have the time for hilarious job interviews, creating Miis and procrastinating on my PhD thesis. She – my temporary boss, twice my age, but with a body like this under clothes that have class. And with glasses she makes look sexy. In a position usually held by men. Being outspoken, straight-forward and of integrity. Interested in me, listening to me and valuing my opinion. Me – very impressed, but in a neutral way. Seeing her as a kind of role model. And then, during my last two weeks of work, something changed, and I still don’t really know when and why exactly. I got rather smitten by her all of a sudden. Which resulted in me being nervous around her all of a sudden. Which resulted in me painting my nose accidentally with the felt-tip pen I used for corrections. Which resulted in her telling me that such things usually happen to her. Which was an awfully nice thing to say and not true at all. This woman doesn’t paint herself. Accidentally. She can pull of red lipstick very well though.

See? It was a lot like falling in love. But without the sexual fantasies. I choked that up to me suddenly being puritan in thoughts (while actually being catholic though probably not exactly as the Pope wants me to be) and went wonderfully psychological on me. I saw me with a newly developed Mrs. Robinson complex I would have a hard time explaining to my girlfriend. As a start of my self therapy I googled “gay” and “older woman”, got some disturbing porn results – and the relieving answer to my feelings: I’m no Benjamin and no puritan – it’s the famous girl crush! Even though this girl is a very much grown-up woman. I’ve got all the symptons.

What can I say? I’m still puzzled by my own feelings. I’m a gay girl with a girl crush. And the funny thing? I think it’s not one-sided. (It truly is like falling in love. One is blinded by the lights and imagining things.)

I got a very uncommon half-hug and kiss on the cheek on my last day at work, though, and while it was just my heart pulsating and nothing else (thank goodness!), I rather enjoyed my heart beating like that. For a wonderful woman. Which I hope she knows that she is. Because I probably won’t tell her.

BTW: LastFM already provided useful information (via other users on the “shout-box”): Anna Ternheim will release her new (and third) album “Leaving on a mayday” on 12th November, firstly only in Sweden, but hopefully soon enough in the rest of Europe! I am really excited: Anna’s one of too many Swedish female singer-songwriters I’m in love with (and the one and only I’ve seen live twice) and her first two albums “Somebody outside” and “Separation Road” are still on rotation on my iPod. And for all of her impatient fans – there’s the acoustic version of her new single “What have I done” for free download on her website. It has a very Anna-ish sound and, again, she’s not afraid of emotionally raw lyrics.

Shall I keep on writing, too? Yes, I shall

But I’ve got a title! I’ve got a title!

Rodeo Virgin

I’ve still no idea what will happen, but I like those two words together.
Should I start writing now?
I really should start writing now.

Thinking back, in September, at least, I had an idea: I actually wanted to write a whodunit, Agatha Christie style, with lots of tea-drinking, horse-riding, a cozy country-side hotel and a body in the library, but, surprisingly enough, the story immediately took place in the 90ies and the main character happened to be a girl completely and hopelessly in love with her best friend. When she went to a lot of parties, got hilariously drunk and started to quote Swedish Europop, instead of being all posh and British, I thought it got a tad bit too autobiographical … Then I got the “wonderful” idea to twist it all into a new version of Shakespeare’s “Twelfth night” (because Viola’s one of too many fictional characters I’m in love with) and got hopelessly stuck, not surprisingly. I wonder what will happen this month … and if someday I’ll learn the English rules for comma usage.

What I didn’t have in September, but discovered last week, when I was supposed to prepare for a job interview and frantically searched the internet for a task planner programme that could, well, manage my tasks (read: the single task: preparing for job interview): WriteRoom. It’s so nifty! And it remembers me of my ten-year-old self, sitting in front of her mom’s first personal computer, writing in green on black about girls and horses and adventures … sounds rather like this, but wasn’t. Was cute though.

I need to start. And a coffee. Or a cocoa? Am feeling like ten, after all. Could ask my girlfriend if she wants to play doctor …

Problem:

Real self: Never started yoga on thursday, b/c girlfriend got home and would have been embarrassing. Went out on friday night, starting with dinner, continuing with beer, schnapps, smoking lots of fags. Lots of dancing, too, though. Came home in the morning to some delicious toast. Continued delicious food consumption until yesterday.

Solution:

Go back to zero: Day 6 = Day 0, really. Can easily start rediscovering slender self tomorrow.

The diet rediscovering my slender self already started yesterday. Me and my lovely girlfriend – who has wonderful curves yet joined me bravely and quite possibly out of pity in my challenge – went food shopping. It was quite easy really: We just bought all fruits and vegetables that were available (for the first week’s recipes) and oven cheese, pizza, tiramisu and cookies ice-cream (to celebrate the last day of freedom). The only problem at home: Now, with all these tomatoes, apples, carrots, salads etc. in the fridge, there was no place left for cooling beer. Is not allowed while rediscovering slender self anyway, so ended up drinking it (and some shots of ramazotti) for more celebration.

Day 1

Feeling slightly hung over, so good it’s day off. Started day not with going online and reading about hot female celebrities who look like yoga-goddesses while drinking coffee in bed (good!), but not with greeting the sun, aka Surya Namaskar either (bad!).

The Problem:

Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve never ever watched Grey’s Anatomy. Seriously. Always thought it was something you were supposed to do with straight flatmates and since living for quite some time now with unsurprisingly not-so-straight girlfriend voluntarily missed out on McDreamy and Co. That is until last week: Came home from a rather exhausting day at work and just wanted to a) drink something that made me warm and fuzzy and b) watch some stupid TV, while girlfriend was busy affixing some shelves to the wall. Yes, very gay and very sexy! So, did some channel hopping and came across an episode of Grey’s where, at the end, two women were actually kissing! Yes, it was the end of season 4, yes it were Callie and Erica, yes, I’m from Europe and late to the game as I discovered thanks to the wonderful interwebs. But the “disturbing” thing? Some videos on youtube later, was not that interested in the phenomenon known as Callica but the blondness that is Izzie Stevens aka Katherine Heigl. And her chemistry with a certain Addison Montgomery-Shepherd aka Kate Walsh. (Un)fortunately there’s a lot of femmeslash out there covering this pairing, so I was kind of busy with … reading until now. Had breakfast according to plan, at least. Toast and jam. Sounds normal, not diet-y, if I think about it …

The solution: Will pretend it is not 3:32 p.m. but 7:30 a.m! Off now, to greet the sun!